I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
