Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
