I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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