Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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