Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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