Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
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As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
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I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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