You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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