he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
