Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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