My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
