My sheets look like a crime scene.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
