If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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