I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
