Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
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This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
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After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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