she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Are my feet made of real feet?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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