I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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