Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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