Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
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