your parents love me but you hate me
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I could have mohawked her pubes.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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