I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
