I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize