i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
