The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
