I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
