I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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