Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
