i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
