My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
