are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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