New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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