If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
