the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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