im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
