my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
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You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
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It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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