I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
