I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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