fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
