I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
