I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
