you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
