what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
