Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
it's great music for shaving your balls
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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