I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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