I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
did you just send me my own nude
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize