god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
cat food counts as protein by the way
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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