party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
