he thought i was a dude.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
