Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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