I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
