i just wanna soil my oats bro
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
