I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
