so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
