The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
