I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
