Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
